One might say I have failed at keeping to my lent daily type idea I had planned out. And for the most part yes. But over the years I have learned that if it becomes something I do because I have to and not because there is passion and reason behind it, I might as well have not done it in the first place. Not giving my self an out by any means, because I told myself that statement a few days after not writing and have had intentions to write, but I never made it a priority.
I’ve been at my new job for two weeks now. A one job women for a week and a half now. The first week at the job was amazing. We were planning for an event so we were all running around; I loved it. Now with that event over things have slowed down and my purpose at this job has been hidden from site. I am trying to remind myself that everything I do is for the best. And that even the pee on tasks have a purpose and need to get down. That nothing is above me and everyone pays their dues. This job will pick up again and I am sure we will have many more weeks like last week, but this waiting phase sucks! However, I would rather be waiting as a part of this team then be stuck with two part time jobs again. I have to stay positive and see the bright side to what I am doing.
With the new job came a weekend off and with that came a trip to Houston and Orangefield. I don’t think any one could grasp what that trip meant to me; beyond the obvious. It wasn’t even until the middle of Saturday that I realized I wasn’t working or didn’t have anything to do. It took so long because I was still doing things and going places; not just sitting. Sunday was amazing. Church with my family and laughter around the lunch table. I thought I would come back rejuvenated, but I think I came back more exhausted. Monday I came home from work an hour early because my sinuses were not behaving. I had no motivation to pick myself up and do. All I wanted to do was be. That never played itself out. Tuesday, God blessed me with the strength I needed to get through the day. With people to see and errands to run, I got home at 7:00 and didn’t slow down. It’s amazing what power is in you when you seek God for strength. I know had I not asked I would have been sluggish again. Wednesday came with an eagerness to see my youth group kids. Wow! Did the Spirit of God move! I have never seen kids so hungry for answers and question after question they asked, which convicted me because how much do I sit and pour in and ask who my savior is? Is it because I think I know it all, because I sure found out last night that I don’t. I was fed last night, just as much as those kids were. I left asking questions, and I pray the kids did too.
Each day this week I have found my self awake wanting my brain to just turn off. Even when I am off work I think I have lost the ability to not still be there. It’s frustrating because this idea of rest seems to be slipping from my grip. A day to just be and rest almost seems no where in site. I know until I do get a day of rest God will supply me with the strength to make it through. But selfish me forgets to ask and I think I can do just one more day by myself and I end up at home restless.
There is something deep within my soul that tries to hang on to this independence that I am known for and not depend on the creator who holds my soul together. I can look around at the things and people around me and see how blessed I am. And yes I give glory to Him because none of it would be worth anything without Him. But I still find myself at the center of it all. I am not living this life alone. I was never supposed to. I was never supposed to act like I had it all together when inside I was falling apart. At what point will I realize that each day I wake up I need to devote myself fully to his purpose. Maybe, just maybe then I will realize that the menial tasks I do at work aren’t really that menial. But that they have a greater purpose.
Just maybe tomorrow when I get up my first thought won’t be myself or someone else, but it will be about Jesus. That my first thought would be that I am blessed, and that who I am is nothing without Him. And maybe after that I would get up with the attitude that I can’t do it alone and that any tasks or strength I seek can only be given and made complete through Him. He doesn’t need me. But he wants me. I DO need Him. But do I want Him?
With all my heart I pray that my soul would find rest in my savior. That with each breath I would ask more of Him and less of me. Because this life isn’t about my self independence, but my dependence on Him. And that right there is a humbling thing.