I think at some point you just have to tell yourself it’s time to move on. Pretending and acting can only get you so far. The reality of life and all that is within it will soon be awakened and if all you’ve been doing is pretending… It’s going to drop you to your knees. Moving on is always the start of something… It’s realizing that what is behind you isn’t the end. It’s the beginning. Such a simple concept, but again with the reality. Concepts and ideas are much easier than reality. We always find it easier to live in a surreal state of mind, because sometimes reality is painful. If we can just live in a dreamful state where we tell ourselves we’ve moved past everything, but really haven’t… there will come a day when you find your self face down in the dark crying out.
I think this year has started out beautifully. Seeing my self being used by God and taking a step back and realizing that what has occurred was nothing of my own strength. Yet, tonight, I found myself coming to the realization that there are things I haven’t moved on from yet. I’ve learned from them, but I haven’t fully healed and cut ties.
I found myself tonight wondering what could have been. Adding one more regret to my list. If I could have gotten it all together before… How would things have ended differently, or would there have been an end at all.
It’s moments like that where I realize how much the “what could have beens” will slow me down and trip me up. There are things you can’t change, and realities you have to face. Again with this reality word. I think growing up it was never a word I felt. By felt, I mean, I never could grasp what reality was. It wasn’t until September 25, 2010 that I had a piece of it. And even then it has taken months for it to slowly begin to creep in and still, it’s slow coming.
I look back and wonder how I got to this point? How did I get to Dallas Texas, sitting on the floor of my apartment listening to David Ramirez? By the grace and power of God I have made it through 22 years. By the grace and power of God I will make it through however many more years he allows. I can ask the question “what if” time and time again, but the love of God is enough to not need an answer. It’s enough to not need an answer for a lot things… difficult things. But regardless of when I let go and move on, regardless of when the full weight of reality sets it, I will stand firm. I will forever remember the love of Christ and it’s that love that allows me to live.