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more than grieving.

Throughout the day I’ve kept a running tab of everything that crosses my mind. Most of which are just single words that lead to greater ideas. Others are phrases or things I’ve heard that even still leave the mind trying to grasp the magnitude or emotions that are being felt on this day.

I’ve been watching all sorts of things for the past few weeks. Everything from the building of the new Freedom Tower, interviews with cameramen and news crews, President speeches and dedications, even the service that took place this morning; remembering all who have fallen and lost their lives. My heart continues to be heavy years after the devastation and it’s probably taken me 10 years to piece together why. I mean I’m just a southern girl from a small town in Southeast Texas. I was only 13 when it happened, how in the world could it impact me even years later? I mean because as a 13 year old, I had never felt that kind of hurt before. A weird thing happened on this day 10 years ago. I discovered what it means to feel others pain. And not just the grieving, I’ll cry with you pain. But the physical pain that comes with a day like today. Pain so real you heart starts racing and you can’t breathe. No child should feel that, no adult should feel that.

It would take numerous post to mention everything in detail of what I thought today. So in short…

How many children lost their parents? There was a story I heard of a lady who went straight to her daughters school to pick her up after the first plane hit. She got her daughter and they asked if she would be willing to take 8 of the other girls home because they were shutting school down. She then went to pick up her 12 year old son, who wouldn’t leave school because one of his friends had both his parents in the towers. He was scared and they didn’t want to leave him, so all the boys stayed with him. I wept when I heard this. No point in trying to hold back those tears.

Names. How many names were affected by this day. Not just the thousands of people who died. But even more names to the families who lost loved ones. Names to the children who don’t have a parent or parents anymore. Names to husbands and wives who lost their other half.

Tons of videos of firefighters rushing in. We’ve all seen the videos where they are looking up at the building that they are about to enter. I can’t begin to fathom what crossed their mind. The selflessness that comes with choosing that career. The willingness to rush in when others rush out. Those were the last faces that many people saw. Faces of heros and average people, knowingly risking their lives to help others. One story of a man who lost his life because he was holding the door for others to leave. There was risk and it didn’t matter.

They had no idea. They didn’t even think the building would fall.

The emotions in this country were so thick in the air today. The hearts of all seemed heavy.

Leadership. I’m not one to jump into a political debate, but I will say this, the leadership that was in place that day… couldn’t have been more of a God thing. A president who’s faith wasn’t something he merely spoke of, but a practice in his life. A mayor who rallied with the president to bring this country together. There was an interview (I believe it was Donald Rusmfeld), and he spoke of how there is no way a president could have made it through that time without faith. Not only faith, but practicing that faith. God put into place leaders that would have the courage to handle what was taking place. Not all will agree with the days that followed, but you knew who our president trusted in and had faith in.

Finally, with all the images and all the videos, hundreds have said it’s like a scene out of a movie. Images of ash and rubble come across the screen as if it was a 1920’s horror movie in black and white. Nightmares are where things like 9/11 happen. And even still it’s so unimaginable that you can’t believe someone could dream up this idea. What evil it takes to spur someone to murder thousands of innocent people.

After church I came home. I really kept to myself except for a few texts to the parents letting them know I loved them. Probably should have told more people. If we learn nothing else of what happened that day, may we always be willing and able to express our love for those around us. In a moments time your life here could be up. Would you be leaving those people around you with the comfort of knowing you loved them or would it be an open-ended lingering question? Though I have been silent today, my thoughts are far from silent. My heart still weighs heavy of the pain and lose that occurred on this day.

Now we look to heal. We look to move past the devastation and destruction, and see the possible future before. It’s a decision that only you can make.

We all handle pain and emotion differently. Some people hold it in, others write, many talk to loved ones, and others cry. Today brought out a lot of emotion. Whether it was anger, sadness, love, joy, hope… We all feel. My prayer is that we look to each other for support and strength when the evil in this world tries to attack. And may we remember the hope of the One who has ultimate authority. Yes, evil is ever present in this world, but we have a Savior who holds the keys to hell and he’s about to turn off the lights.

[Might have heard the keys thing at church :-)]

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Posted by on September 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Raindrops Standing Still

Going on 3 months of silence…

I wish I could say the same thing for my thoughts. They seem to be a never ending cycle of what’s next and what do I do. Only to be silenced and laid to rest by the precious hand of my Savior telling me not to worry.

It was Labor Day weekend and I found myself in Houston with the family and then a quick trip over to Orangefield to see PawPaw. I loved every second of my vacation. For the first time, in a long time I actually felt like I had a vacation. It was spent seeing people I wanted to see and doing things I wanted to do.

A cold front blew in and I stepped outside to see the stars. Orangefield is the only place that offers them in my backyard. It had been an overcast day so to see it opened up and so close I could touch brought back memories of old and hopes of new things. The image of raindrops in the sky, standing still and wrapped around you… The trip put my soul at ease. In a simple quiet place. One it has been longing to be, but never could slow down for. Orangefield has a way of doing that to me and inspiring me. It should be mandatory for me to go back once of month. Though with slow down comes reality and the weight of being their without my grandma was heavy. Outside wasn’t as bad, though if I went into the house it was a heavy thing on my heart. We spent a lot of time outside.

A long trip back to Dallas lands me on the balcony in this cool 80 degree weather. I’m ready for the fall and winter time. Life seems better when it’s not so hot. With cooler weather comes the inevitable 1 year. I think I’m ready for it, ready to face it and begin to fully heal. I know it takes longer than a year, but I also think if I can get to the year, it will show me she isn’t coming back. I mean I know that, but maybe I won’t get mad about it.

I have a friend who has inspired me to try something… I’m going to try and not think so much. I’ll try not to analyze every situation and not make a big deal of things I can’t change. Changes in life are coming and things are about to get hectic, but I don’t worry. I think I make life way harder than it needs to be. I have a Savior who died for me, a family who loves me and the most amazing friends. I have it pretty good and to think anything else would be pure stupidity.

I live a simple life, meaningful, but simple life. So what am I trying to analzye?

 
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Posted by on September 5, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Snuggle up Close…

With a long blog typed up I press delete.

A lot of words may be how I’m trying to express what is in my head, but God narrowed it down.

Yes at the moment I am numb. And no reason why, just that he puts us through different seasons and this is my numb one. It’s been ongoing now for about 7 months. And that’s okay. I’ve had my days of sensation, but most are short lived. I know that I am to remain faithful and to love, no matter how numb I get. He has shown me my growth, and not to boast because this is nothing of my own doing. But I remember the last time I was numb I ran, I ran into sin and evil and selfishness. This time is different. This time I am pressing. Pressing into my Savior… into my Father. Trying to snuggle up close, even though I feel so far away. But having hope that joy will come in the morning and that my day of renewal will soon.

Pray with me.

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

A little city mixed with a lot of country.

A conversation tonight led me to realize how much I have grown up in the past four years. I talk about my Southern Roots a lot and growing up in the country. But I didn’t always like it, and honestly it probably wasn’t even something I was proud of.

The country to me meant you didn’t have a lot. It was a lot of slow talking, slow moving people. It was probably from either my sophomore year or junior year in high school I remember talking about my Dallas friends and how I couldn’t wait to get to Dallas. My friends hated it when I’d talk about getting away. I never put a second thought into leaving Orangefield. And I don’t have any regret leaving Orangefield. My only regret or really not even regret, but guilt is that I began to run away from my roots as soon as I hit the city. I wanted nothing to do with anything that resembled “country.”

The older I’ve gotten and more recently within the last year, I’ve stepped back and evaluated what it means to be “country.” In the country we use words like “I reckon”, “ain’t”, “fix-in to”, and “feeder road.” In the country we love fried food and beer. A back porch swing and midnight stars is the best way to end a night. And dogs barking in the dead of night at a train rolling by is nothing out of the ordinary.

This post isn’t as easy as I thought it would be. Before hand the thoughts were pouring out of my head and now it’s long pauses.

Why is it that we try running from who we really are instead of embracing it. We think we aren’t good enough or I’ll be better off. Yes, people come from a screwed up life sometimes, and maybe they had a rough home life. But your past makes you who you are. You just have to choose how you react to it. Nothing negative ever has to define you, but it can shape you into something better. My past wasn’t bad, I was blessed in that regards. But to me it wasn’t good enough. I thought the city would be able to give me so much more. And while I met some amazing people in the city. I’d have to say my two favorite are actually from the country. It’s amazing how God works sometimes. Makes me laugh thinking about. He kept my roots intact from the moment I entered the city. If it wasn’t for them I think I would have kept running. I was forced to listen to country music. I HATED it! But it’s growing on me now. Cowboy boots, seriously? I remember someone owning a pink pair and the other buying a red pair. I didn’t understand. Cavendars was the place you went to if you had a rodeo to go to.

It’s taken me 4 years to realize how all of that has played a part into shaping me into who I am. On a night like tonight when the wind is whipping through the trees and the gentle breeze of summer rolls in, I’m brought back to my front porch on an old gravel road. The silence of the city, which isn’t silent, leaves me missing the still of the country pasture. My southern roots are slowly brought to the surface each morning I wake up. Though I’ve grown and taken on city characteristics, my heart and soul will forever be in the country.

I don’t know if I’ll stay in the city forever. I think I’d like to settle down and raise my kids in a small town. I want them to understand and enjoy a simple life. One that isn’t always pulling you in every direction, but allows you to enjoy the beauty around you and to look up and see a sky full of stars; definitely one of the things I miss the most. I want them to learn to fish and hunt. They need to go camping and learn to work for their food. I miss those things. I miss a lot about the country. Going on 5 years now and I am just now realizing this.

I’m learning to embrace me. The me that I genuinely am. A little city mixed with a lot of country. I reckon I’ll be gettin’ a long just fine.

 
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Posted by on April 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

2 in a day

Each day I find myself sitting in silence more and more. I guess I am feeling pretty bold because sometimes silence is a scary thing. Maybe I’m searching for answers. Whatever the case may be, I seem to be starting and ending my day listening to the sound of my cat playing.

The thoughts of the day. The mishaps, the unanswered questions, the good and the bad.. It all floats around up there and in the silence they make themselves known.

Silence isn’t a bad thing. In the world we live in I don’t think we allow ourselves enough. I know up until recently, the idea of sitting in silence was asking for trouble. Who knows what God would be telling me if I just took a moment to listen. The older I get the more I press to hear the word of God spoken. In my life anytime I’ve attempted to plan or think I had something figured out God showed me He wanted something different. Finally I feel like my life is falling into place with His will. Now I’m just scared to want anything. The idea that it could be taken away from me isn’t something I like. But I trust Him and know that he brought me to this point in life for a reason. He’s opened and shut many doors, and some of them very forcefully. All of this was to make a way for the right plan. His plan. I’m trying to be obedient with every step I take. Hence why I think I am sitting in silence a lot more. Because I need Him to direct me. I need to know that where I am going is where he wants me.

Up to this point, 2011, my life has been pretty me focused. Now what would it look life if I was “He” focused (I hope that makes sense)? What in my life would need to change?

Silence can do strange things to a person. It can show you the good sides of your soul and it can show you the ugly. Over the past 3 months God has shown me some pretty ugly things. My silence is how I sort it out. It’s how my mind comes to grip with what is going on around me. My silence reminds me that this life isn’t all about the things in this world or the toys and gadgets. But it’s about waiting on the Lord and finding rest in Him. My life may not be slowing down anytime soon, but each day I start and end it with a peace given to me by my creator. It’s just up to me if I keep my soul at rest all day or if I let the madness take over. Madness won today. Hence why there are 2 writings in a day.

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Thoughts Straight

One might say I have failed at keeping to my lent daily type idea I had planned out. And for the most part yes. But over the years I have learned that if it becomes something I do because I have to and not because there is passion and reason behind it, I might as well have not done it in the first place. Not giving my self an out by any means, because I told myself that statement a few days after not writing and have had intentions to write, but I never made it a priority.

I’ve been at my new job for two weeks now. A one job women for a week and a half now. The first week at the job was amazing. We were planning for an event so we were all running around; I loved it. Now with that event over things have slowed down and my purpose at this job has been hidden from site. I am trying to remind myself that everything I do is for the best. And that even the pee on tasks have a purpose and need to get down. That nothing is above me and everyone pays their dues. This job will pick up again and I am sure we will have many more weeks like last week, but this waiting phase sucks! However, I would rather be waiting as a part of this team then be stuck with two part time jobs again. I have to stay positive and see the bright side to what I am doing.

With the new job came a weekend off and with that came a trip to Houston and Orangefield. I don’t think any one could grasp what that trip meant to me; beyond the obvious. It wasn’t even until the middle of Saturday that I realized I wasn’t working or didn’t have anything to do. It took so long because I was still doing things and going places; not just sitting. Sunday was amazing. Church with my family and laughter around the lunch table. I thought I would come back rejuvenated, but I think I came back more exhausted. Monday I came home from work an hour early because my sinuses were not behaving. I had no motivation to pick myself up and do. All I wanted to do was be. That never played itself out. Tuesday, ¬†God blessed me with the strength I needed to get through the day. With people to see and errands to run, I got home at 7:00 and didn’t slow down. It’s amazing what power is in you when you seek God for strength. I know had I not asked I would have been sluggish again. Wednesday came with an eagerness to see my youth group kids. Wow! Did the Spirit of God move! I have never seen kids so hungry for answers and question after question they asked, which convicted me because how much do I sit and pour in and ask who my savior is? Is it because I think I know it all, because I sure found out last night that I don’t. I was fed last night, just as much as those kids were. I left asking questions, and I pray the kids did too.

Each day this week I have found my self awake wanting my brain to just turn off. Even when I am off work I think I have lost the ability to not still be there. It’s frustrating because this idea of rest seems to be slipping from my grip. A day to just be and rest almost seems no where in site. I know until I do get a day of rest God will supply me with the strength to make it through. But selfish me forgets to ask and I think I can do just one more day by myself and I end up at home restless.

There is something deep within my soul that tries to hang on to this independence that I am known for and not depend on the creator who holds my soul together. I can look around at the things and people around me and see how blessed I am. And yes I give glory to Him because none of it would be worth anything without Him. But I still find myself at the center of it all. I am not living this life alone. I was never supposed to. I was never supposed to act like I had it all together when inside I was falling apart. At what point will I realize that each day I wake up I need to devote myself fully to his purpose. Maybe, just maybe then I will realize that the menial tasks I do at work aren’t really that menial. But that they have a greater purpose.

Just maybe tomorrow when I get up my first thought won’t be myself or someone else, but it will be about Jesus. That my first thought would be that I am blessed, and that who I am is nothing without Him. And maybe after that I would get up with the attitude that I can’t do it alone and that any tasks or strength I seek can only be given and made complete through Him. He doesn’t need me. But he wants me. I DO need Him. But do I want Him?

With all my heart I pray that my soul would find rest in my savior. That with each breath I would ask more of Him and less of me. Because this life isn’t about my self independence, but my dependence on Him. And that right there is a humbling thing.

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Nails Painted

With my first Monday under my belt I’m feeling pretty good! With each day comes new tasks and challenges, but at the same time more knowledge. Before the days just would drag on and now I’m looking down at the clock at 2:00 wondering what happened to the day. It’s an exciting feeling. This Friday I will be able to attend my first event. I’m anxious, nervous, excited, lots of different emotions are running through my veins.

While at work my mom and I discussed our plans for Easter! I’m going to Oklahoma! More excited than anyone knows. Each moment with any family member is cherished… I’ve learned that over the last 6 months.

I got my nails done today. For the first time in 6 months I have pretty nails! Guys don’t understand this, but girls who don’t even really like painting their nails enjoy the freedom of having that option. I went and bought a Sprinkles cupcake. Yes Yes I know.

Not that you even care about the agenda of my day, but I laid it out for you. Please pray that I will not become complacent with my new job. With the new joys that the Lord is bringing may I stay focused on the task at hand and run the race. My prayer is that what life has brought me can only encourage me to become better and not slip in to a worldly out look.

My nails are painted. I’m going to bed.

 
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Posted by on March 21, 2011 in Uncategorized